Things I would love to say to my dad right now!!!

*warning not for the faint of heart* this is not my normal happy polite christian self. This post is me letting the real Lori out to express how I really feel about my dad and haven't been able to verbalize it all.

There are so many things that I want to say to my dad. So many things that he needs to hear, but so many things that he will never hear for many reasons.
First of all what the H*!! are you doing to yourself? What on earth can be so bad that you feel like you have nothing to live for. I know for a fact that you have several things to live for... one being my brother and I, my two kids, and the fact that John is getting married soon and starting a family of his own. How can you just ruin yourself like this. Are you really that selfish that you can't see that you have a family that needs you. Just because you and mom got a divorce doesn't mean that you life is over. Why did you have to turn to drugs and gambling to solve your problems? What happened to my dad who was always calling me telling me about new things he learned in the word. Were you on drugs then too. Were the drugs what was getting you all hyped up about things in the bible or was that real excitement. How in the h@!! can you possibly blow through more than $100,000 in less than 4 years and have nothing to show for it. Well I guess you have something to show for it. I guess you have the forclosure slip that says that as of the 24th of the month you no longer have a house. You have the empty house that you sit in all day. You have the knowledge that you have never even met your second grandchild and have only seen your first one once and that was only because me and J came up to visit with her for Christmas last year. You have the guilt that is so deep that you won't even call me or acknowledge me in any way. I have sent you a card,pictures of the kids, sent you food and now most recently given you a hand made calendar with pictures of my kids and the family. But you don't even acknowledge it. You some how still thing that I don't want to talk to you because you own me $130. Do you really think that I want to loose my dad over $130!!!! Do you really think I'm that shallow.
Also why are you telling your brother to take care of your kids!! What right do you have to think you can just leave this world and everything will be ok. Why do you think its his responsibility to take care of us. We need a dad, we don't need an uncle to take his place. I don't understand you... I don't understand how you could do this to yourself and this family. You blamed mom for doing such horrible things to this family just because she finally after all those years had the courage to divorce you. What do you think you are doing to this family? I see what you are doing as worse than what she did. You are destroying your life and causing my innocent children to never know their grandpa. What did they do to deserve that? But for some reason you think that you aren't affecting anyone but yourself. You think that no one cares and you have nothing to live for. I care and I think you have things to live for. Why can't you just go to rehab and get over this. I know the addiction is tough to beat, but it can be done. And why can't you let your brother help you. Why can't you go live in his guest house and get your life back in order. Why can you ask him to take care of your kids, but you can't let him help you out.

WHY!! WHY!! WHY!!

ok my angry rant is over... i feel a lot better getting all my feelings out, even though I will never say those things to my dad. Even if he did call me ever (which I haven't talked to him in 5 months) I wouldn't have the guts to say those things to him. He's my dad, and he is also very suicidal and I couldn't let myself be the thing that put him over the edge.

Anyway if anyone is actually reading this... please pray for my dad. Pray that something happens that causes him to realize that he does have something to live for. Pray that he will accept help from my uncle and try to start his life over. Pray he will get help for his drug addiction. Pray he doesn't kill himself. Just pray for him please!!!!!

What dreams has God put in your heart?

I was doing my devotions tonight and really started thinking about the following. "God often reveales His purpose for our lives through the dreams He puts in our hearts". So my question to ponder is "what dreams has God given me for my life?" Its really easy to forget about my dreams with two little kids to take care of and bills to be paid. I need to start to dream again. I need to look deep within and see what dreams God is laying on my heart for my life, my marriage and my family.

One dream I have is to be selfless. I know it seems strange, especially coming from me who is a very selfish person naturally. But I want to not be worried about myself. I don't want to worry about our finances (easier said then done). I want to put others first. I want to give the last few dollars we have to our name, knowing that God will provide. But its so hard. I want to get to the point where money isn't an issue with me. I want to know that our needs are met and know that we have extra to give to others. I want to not regret giving things to other (not worrying what bills could have been paid with that extra $50). I always thought that once we started making more money that I would have an easier time not worrying about money but it seems that even though Jay got a significant raise a few months ago, things have been tighter and more stressful (budget wise) then they were before the raise. Maybe it has NOTHING to do with the amount of money we make, but more the attitude we have about our money. The big question is *will we let our money control us, or will we let God control our money". That is the difficult question. The funny reality is that in that question there isn't the option of will we control our money. We either let God control the money or the money will control us. Now thats some food for thought.