"Use what we have and then no more"

Gos showed me something at church last night that I didn't really want to hear... but it makes a ton of sense now that I processed it all. The evangelist was talking about how he had 7 heart attacks at once and because of this he qualified for full disability payments from the government. He said that he didn't accept these payments because with a healing ministry he didn't feel right receiving disablity from the gov't when he was being used to heal others..... then later in the evening they were praying for Jay and one of the things they prayed for him was breaking the financial strong hold on our family. (Which is awesome... cause we make a pretty good salary here, but for some reason we never have enough money to pay our bills). Well anyway later Jay and I were talking about church and I started thinking about getting government aid. (our kids are on state medicade and we get WIC) I felt like God was asking me if we are getting this aid because we need it or do we need it because we are getting it. At first it didn't make sense, but after I prayed about it I realized that by being on medicade and WIC we are keeping a welfare spirit over our house (not trying to sound strange or super hyper spiritual) but God showed me that by depending on the aid from the government we are basically keeping God from blessing us financially. I can see now how just walking into the DHS office to get our WIC checks is allowing this welfare mentality to have a place in our lives. Sorry if my ramblings don't make sense... it makes sense to me, but sometimes is hard to convey on the internet. Anyway I was praying about what we should do and I felt like God was saying to use what we have and then no more. So we are going to use the WIC checks that we have right now (I just got them Tuesday) and keep the kids on Medicade until it expires (in April) but we aren't going to get any more WIC checks after we use these up and I will get the kids lined up to be on our insurance before April. Right now we can't afford the extra $200 it will cost each month to put them on our insurance, but I'm trusting God that it will work out and excited to experience our financial break through.

So how did they really hold it all together???

So this is my deep thought for the day... I was talking to Anna the other day about our parents and we were commenting on how it seems like our parents are going off the deep end and how were they able to raise us and seem normal all our growing up years. I have come to some interesting observations (with the help of my hubby).... First of all a little back ground. You already know about my dad from earlier blog posts, my mom divorced my dad and started dating a guy she met on the internet from England (for her credit though she is no longer dating the england guy, and is actually hanging out with someone her own age that she actually met through some friends - so even though Jay would debate me on this one, she is heading towards normalcy) :) Then there is the most recent development with Robs dad, I won't go into details but lets just say he's going awal like my dad. Then there are Anna's parents who just built themselves a huge new house (the biggest one in the town they live in) which seems a little more than obsessive for what they actually need. Jay's parents actually went through their own psycho problems when Jay was younger and are actually about as normal as they can be. (you have to know them to appreciate the comment) Any way I could go on but I just am amazed that all these people were able to hold themselves together long enough to raise us. How did we turn out ok seeing how our parents actually turned out now. Well I have a few theories. The first one I think is kind of funny... If you look at most of us with messed up parents we have either gone into the ministry or into counseling professions. Maybe deep down inside we realized our parents were messed up and wanted to enter into these helping professions to figure them out and help others not become like them (and to help ourselves not become like them). My other theory is that they were normal while they raised us (again the disclaimer of as normal as they could be) and then once their kids were gone they didn't know what to do with themselves and then went off the deep end. This theory seems to hold true because of the time frame of our (mine, Anna's and Rob's) parents situations. I know for a fact that my mom held the family together until us kids were out of the house... then she felt like it was her time.... So the big question is how do we as counselors and people in ministry prevent this in our own lives and in the lives of those we come in contact with. I think a big thing is to be involved with something other than your kids. Keep your interests and don't loose youself in raising them. Also stay friends with your spouse and make sure you have common interests. Well that is enough rambling for now (sorry if you get lost in my comments). any way I'd love to hear other theories on this from anyone who is reading this.

Change is coming

So I feel like change is coming... I'm not sure the specifics of it, but I just get a sense. Maybe its just a change in my perspective, maybe its a change in ministry, maybe its a change in location. I'm not really sure, but change is definately in the air. We have an evangelist at our church this week and I really enjoyed service on sunday morning. So much so that I suggested we go back for evening service (I know its shocking to me too). And we are going to go again tonight. ( I know its crazy) Anyway the services were really good, you could really feel God's presence (its been a while since I could actually say that about a service). Any way the first interesitng thing is that the speaker prophesied over Kevin that he and pastor would be parting ways. And that God just had him doing youth ministry as a starting ground. Then right after that they prophesied over pastor that a time was coming that he would be called on to another ministry and another place (this is good news on several levels cause I really can't handle his preaching). Anyway I was talking to Jay about it later and was kinda joking about what if pastor left and then Kevin took his place as senior pastor. I was like or you could be the new senior pastor. Jay was like no... if I did anything pastoral I would want to stick with youth. So I was like well maybe Kevin will be senior pastor and you could be the youth pastor. He was like we will see... well in Jay speak that usually means that a possibility but I'm not going to really talk about it and get my hopes up. So anyway I've just been praying and think about stuff.... I don't know what sit will look like, but i just keep picturing us doing ministry together... i see us getting more involved at church and see where God takes us. I don't want to play guessing games with God about what the future holds, but i just want to be avaliable to Him and do what he wants us to do. I've had too many maybe God wants us to do this moments lately, to try to guess what God has up His sleeve for us. but i know He is going to use us and at the very least we are going to get more involved at church. So those are my thoughts for the day... I'm actually really excited to go to service tonight.

Its late and I'm still awake

So ask me why I'm still awake at 11pm when both of my kids are sound asleep and my hubby is going to bed in a minute. Thats because H was really up all night last night (as in she would fall asleep adn then wake up 15 minutes later crying) - so I was up basically all night. The only sleep I got was when Jay got up at 6:15am until 8am when he was getting ready to leave for work. So since my sister in law was here today I decided to take a nap since I was exausted... I went to sleep at 1:30 after finally getting H down for a nap. Next thing I know the clock in our bedroom says 5:05 and I am woke up by L coming in and telling me she wants to watch a movie. So yeah... I really slept for 3 1/2 hours this afternoon. Great for my tiredness... not so good for my being able to sleep tonight. So here I sit on the computer trying to get really tired so I can actually fall asleep tonight. (I discovered after H was about 2 months old and the extreme exhaustion wore off that if I take a nap in the afternoon I can't get to sleep the next night, so we will see how tonight goes.) and hopefully H will actually sleep tonight. She threw up while nursing tonight (not sure why she only throws up at night) but she doesn't have a fever anymore, so maybe she will just be so tired from last night that she will sleep all night. I know I need the sleep. So does J since H slept in our room in her swing last night since she was so sick. So he heard her every time I got up with her. Anyway I'm rambling... but I think its working cause I'm getting really tired. Good night

Letter to my dad

(My dad called me tonight and after I got off the phone with him I felt that there were a few things that I need to reiterate to him in a letter, just because its easier I decided to type it out on here and then send it to him with a recent picture of my kids.)


Hey Dad,
It was really good to hear from you tonight. I have missed hearing from you. I wanted to tell you that it really ment a lot to me to hear you still talking about God. I have been worried about you and have been praying that you hadn't turned your back on Him after all of the things you have been through. But I'm excited to hear that you are still seeking him and looking for ways to minister to others through this all. I also wanted to tell you that even though you feel like a failure as a dad and grandpa that isn't true. To me having a dad who loves the Lord and prays for his kids is a much bigger asset to me and my kids than having a dad who had all the money in the world. I really do still love you and want you to be involved in my kids lives. I want them to know that their Grandpa loves them and prays for them. To me that is more important than anything money can buy. So please know that you aren't a failure. Regardless of what has gone on in the past or what mistakes you have made. You are my dad and I still love you. All I ask of you is that you keep serving God and keep me, my husband and my kids in your prayers. Its reassuring to know that someone else is going to the thrown room interceeding on your behalf. God is a good God and he always has and always will provide for our needs. I really don't worry much about our finances. God always provides for us and we always have enough money for the things we need.
Anyway just wanted to let you know how much it meant to me to hear from you last night. I will continue to pray for you and I will be praying that things would work out for you to go to Texas and work under M.S. if that is Gods will. I also do think it is important for you to go through inpatient counseling for you addiction. I know its hard to understand people who are addicted unless you have been in their shoes, but I really think its best for you to start out of a completely fresh foot, meaning to kick the drugs before starting over in Texas. Jay and I both are pretty sure that if you went through an inpatient rehab program they should have programs for you to find jobs and get reoriented into society after the treatment. I just don't want to see you destroy yourself. You have a lot to live for. You have two kids and two grandkids who love you and want the best for you.

Thanks again for calling me.

Love ya,
Lori

Things I would love to say to my dad right now!!!

*warning not for the faint of heart* this is not my normal happy polite christian self. This post is me letting the real Lori out to express how I really feel about my dad and haven't been able to verbalize it all.

There are so many things that I want to say to my dad. So many things that he needs to hear, but so many things that he will never hear for many reasons.
First of all what the H*!! are you doing to yourself? What on earth can be so bad that you feel like you have nothing to live for. I know for a fact that you have several things to live for... one being my brother and I, my two kids, and the fact that John is getting married soon and starting a family of his own. How can you just ruin yourself like this. Are you really that selfish that you can't see that you have a family that needs you. Just because you and mom got a divorce doesn't mean that you life is over. Why did you have to turn to drugs and gambling to solve your problems? What happened to my dad who was always calling me telling me about new things he learned in the word. Were you on drugs then too. Were the drugs what was getting you all hyped up about things in the bible or was that real excitement. How in the h@!! can you possibly blow through more than $100,000 in less than 4 years and have nothing to show for it. Well I guess you have something to show for it. I guess you have the forclosure slip that says that as of the 24th of the month you no longer have a house. You have the empty house that you sit in all day. You have the knowledge that you have never even met your second grandchild and have only seen your first one once and that was only because me and J came up to visit with her for Christmas last year. You have the guilt that is so deep that you won't even call me or acknowledge me in any way. I have sent you a card,pictures of the kids, sent you food and now most recently given you a hand made calendar with pictures of my kids and the family. But you don't even acknowledge it. You some how still thing that I don't want to talk to you because you own me $130. Do you really think that I want to loose my dad over $130!!!! Do you really think I'm that shallow.
Also why are you telling your brother to take care of your kids!! What right do you have to think you can just leave this world and everything will be ok. Why do you think its his responsibility to take care of us. We need a dad, we don't need an uncle to take his place. I don't understand you... I don't understand how you could do this to yourself and this family. You blamed mom for doing such horrible things to this family just because she finally after all those years had the courage to divorce you. What do you think you are doing to this family? I see what you are doing as worse than what she did. You are destroying your life and causing my innocent children to never know their grandpa. What did they do to deserve that? But for some reason you think that you aren't affecting anyone but yourself. You think that no one cares and you have nothing to live for. I care and I think you have things to live for. Why can't you just go to rehab and get over this. I know the addiction is tough to beat, but it can be done. And why can't you let your brother help you. Why can't you go live in his guest house and get your life back in order. Why can you ask him to take care of your kids, but you can't let him help you out.

WHY!! WHY!! WHY!!

ok my angry rant is over... i feel a lot better getting all my feelings out, even though I will never say those things to my dad. Even if he did call me ever (which I haven't talked to him in 5 months) I wouldn't have the guts to say those things to him. He's my dad, and he is also very suicidal and I couldn't let myself be the thing that put him over the edge.

Anyway if anyone is actually reading this... please pray for my dad. Pray that something happens that causes him to realize that he does have something to live for. Pray that he will accept help from my uncle and try to start his life over. Pray he will get help for his drug addiction. Pray he doesn't kill himself. Just pray for him please!!!!!

What dreams has God put in your heart?

I was doing my devotions tonight and really started thinking about the following. "God often reveales His purpose for our lives through the dreams He puts in our hearts". So my question to ponder is "what dreams has God given me for my life?" Its really easy to forget about my dreams with two little kids to take care of and bills to be paid. I need to start to dream again. I need to look deep within and see what dreams God is laying on my heart for my life, my marriage and my family.

One dream I have is to be selfless. I know it seems strange, especially coming from me who is a very selfish person naturally. But I want to not be worried about myself. I don't want to worry about our finances (easier said then done). I want to put others first. I want to give the last few dollars we have to our name, knowing that God will provide. But its so hard. I want to get to the point where money isn't an issue with me. I want to know that our needs are met and know that we have extra to give to others. I want to not regret giving things to other (not worrying what bills could have been paid with that extra $50). I always thought that once we started making more money that I would have an easier time not worrying about money but it seems that even though Jay got a significant raise a few months ago, things have been tighter and more stressful (budget wise) then they were before the raise. Maybe it has NOTHING to do with the amount of money we make, but more the attitude we have about our money. The big question is *will we let our money control us, or will we let God control our money". That is the difficult question. The funny reality is that in that question there isn't the option of will we control our money. We either let God control the money or the money will control us. Now thats some food for thought.

I love fall weather

We have finally started to feel some fall weather here. It was actually cold in the house this morning when I got up so I have all of a sudden been inspired by fall. I really enjoy this time of year. I think its because I can finally start baking again (our house doesn't have central air, so I really don't use the oven once it gets hot out), because Thanksgiving and Christmas are right around the corner (only down side to that is that I really need to get going on my Christmas presents this year) and it finally isn't 100 degrees every day! I'm thinking about making homemade pizza tonight for dinner. I love making homemade pizza (thanks to my roommate in grad. school). J and I have always ate out on friday nights, but I think we might start a new (cheaper) tradition of having homemade pizza on friday nights. I love making new family traditions. My family growing up didn't really have any traditions (at least none that really stick out to me) so I really want to establish traditions for the kids. So i think homemade pizza night will be one of those traditions. Yum!

I bet you have never heard me say this before...

I really hate money. It seems like there is never enough to go around. In our house J earms the money and I keep track of it. It generally works out pretty well for us. Except when I get frustrated when the bills exceed our income! When J first started his job here he got paid once a month. This was a big adjustment for us because we were used to getting paid every week before. We had finally gotten our budget straightened out as far as dealing with the once a month paycheck when they switched things on us. Now he gets paid every other week which you would think would be more convient, but its not. Our bills are not evenly distributed throughout the month. One pay period we don't have enough money and then the next we have extra. Until recently... Now all of a sudden our budget isn't working at all. Last pay period we came up short so I was sure that we would have extra money after this set of bills was paid, but I was wrong. We had to cut some things short to make it work. So I decided to look ahead to see what next pay period looks like - that one is even worse than the others - to the tune of over $500 short! I so don't know what happened to our finances. I don't see how the gas increase could have killed us this much. Granted we have added another baby in the last several months but she isn't eating any extra food yet (gotta love nursing) but I guess that doubles the amount of diapers we need. And I guess we did just put new tires on J's car and get the front end aligned. And then there was that speeding ticket we just paid last month from when J when to pick up his sister.... ok so I guess I can see what has happened, but it is still frustrating. Not sure how this will all work out. We have been trying to eat cheaper meals, not eat out anymore (we used to eat out once a week),, etc.. Not sure what else to do. I have two kids under 2 years old so me going back to work wouldn't be very practical. My paycheck would be eaten up by daycare and besides that staying home with these two rugrats is a high priority for me. Any way I've rambled long enough. Just wanted to vent about me dislike of money. Oh well I know it will work out somehow in the end. God will take care of us, he always does.

How do you sit back and watch someone you love destroy themself?

I am so frustrated / saddened by my dad lately. Ever since my parents got a divorce 4 years ago he has not been the same. He was never a great dad, never was really involved in my life in any major way, never had a great relationship with my brother or I, but at least I always knew he was my dad and I could count on him to be there for me. Now things aren't like that. He has since gotten back into drugs, literally gambled away all his money and then some, has maxed out his credit cards, got fired from his job, is selling everything in the house that isn't nailed down, borrowed money from most of the relatives (who have now cut him off financially since the figured out he was using the money to buy drugs), etc. His phone is disconnected so I haven't talked to him in probably 3 months. I know he is still around because about a month ago I got really worried about him so I called his brother to see if he had heard from him at all. That started a whole chain of events and ended up with my uncle going up to visit my dad and have him put into drug and alcohol rehab. That whole thing back fired though when my dad hired a lawyer to get him out of rehab. I guess he is supposed to be going to out patient rehab now instead of being in patient(out patient is not nearly as effective). I know my dad and he is either not going to rehab or avoiding it somehow. He isn't one to get help even when he needs it. He has also been stopping by my moms work lately trying to get money from her and trying to sell random things from the house to her (things that were hers to begin with but because of the messy divorce he kept them).

To top it all off I got a phone call last week from someone (probably a creditor) looking for my dad saying that he gave them my phone number. What the heck!!! I live over 10 hours away from him and haven't talked to him in 3 months, why are they calling me.

This whole thing just is driving me crazy. I have so many mixed emotions about it all. Part of me is mad at my dad for getting himself into this all. Part of me feels bad for him and wants to help. My husband and I talked about letting him come live with us for awhile when he first lost his job (before I found out about him being on drugs) but that isn't obviously a good idea with us having 2 small kids. I've thought about sending him money so he has money to eat, but I'm sure that it would get spent on drugs so that is just fueling his addiction rather than helping him. I just don't know what to do. I sent him a little card today just saying I was thinking about him and praying for him and that I know about the rehab situation. I also put a picture of us with the kids. I guess I'm hoping to play on his emotions and help him realize that he still has something to live for that his kids still love him and he has two beautiful granddaughters. Maybe it will be enough for him to wake up and realize he still has something to live for. Other than that I just don't know what to do. I feel like I'm sitting by watching him slowly kill himself. He has nothing right now. He has sold everything worth any value, he has no income, has no family in the area, has no friends (he has driven them all away by his behavior on drugs). He is a mess. I am so at a loss. So I repeat my question that was the title of my blog today.... HOW DO YOU SIT BACK AND WATCH SOMEONE YOU LOVE DESTOY THEMSELF???? I have no answers. Please pray for my dad, thats all I know to do.

$2.99 a gallon!!??!!

I know that we will feel the impact of this hurricane for quite awhile. Even though we weren't directly involved with it. We depend on the gulf coast for quite a bit (which I didn't really think about until today). For example our gas prices are already up to 2.99 a gallon. How insane is that. That will really put a dent in the budget! It was just $2.54 yesterday. Its supposed to keep rising. I have heard it will be $4 a gallon soon. Also I'm sure that prices of everyday things will increase as well. This just makes things hard in an already struggling economy. I just have to remind myself that God is in control and that at least I wasn't in the hurricane. At least I still have my possessions and at least I still have a car to put that $2.99 a gallon gas into.

I remember when gas was only $.99 a gallon when I first got my car. Now gas is three times that expensive. How crazy is that. and just think we were complaining when gas hit $1.50 and then $2.00, now we would love for it to be back down to those prices. I can't imagine what it will be like when things get even more expensive. And they are talking about gas shortages now too... crazy, just crazy.

Putting things in perspective

I have been watching the news coverage on Hurricane Katrina today and it has really gotten me thinking about things. The last few days I have been really frustrated with our house and our finances, but now after watching all the devistation in the gulf coast I am finding myself rethinking all my frustrations. Even thought I really don't like our house and really want to move the reality of it is that I have a house to live in, I have a computer that I am using right now, I have a comfortable bed I will sleep in tonight. I have a lot of things. Even though I really don't like our house, I have to realize that I am very blessed to have the things I do have. I can't even imagine loosing everything that I have like people in New Orleans did. I have so much in comparison to those that have lost everthing. In reality it doesn't matter that my house is what I jokingly refer to as a "ghetto house". I need to just be thankful that I have a house and that my family is all safe and secure under one roof.

I just seriously can't pull myself away from the tv today. I am still in shock of all the devistation from the hurricane. I really can't imagine being trapped with no food or water. I can't imagine loosing family members or even worse watching them die in the hurricane and being forced to leave them behind. I just can't imagine it. (I know I've said that already, but I am just seriously in shock).

And I thought I would have nothing to say

Ok so just yesterday I was thinking that I really wouldn’t have anything intereting to talk about on here, but now after today I have about 3 different topics in my head just waiting to be blogged about. :) Ok, so I’m already addicted and I haven’t even really started. I used to be a big journal writer, but that was just for me to read, this is different since other people will read it. Oh well, I guess I’m jumping in with both feet now so here goes some of my crazy ramblings….

So I finally gave in to the pressure from my husband JC Masterpiece and started a blog. I wasn't going to start one because I spend way too much time online already during the day, but I figured I would join in on the fun. I'm not really sure what my blog will look like - what I will post about, but at least now I can say I have one.