I love fall weather

We have finally started to feel some fall weather here. It was actually cold in the house this morning when I got up so I have all of a sudden been inspired by fall. I really enjoy this time of year. I think its because I can finally start baking again (our house doesn't have central air, so I really don't use the oven once it gets hot out), because Thanksgiving and Christmas are right around the corner (only down side to that is that I really need to get going on my Christmas presents this year) and it finally isn't 100 degrees every day! I'm thinking about making homemade pizza tonight for dinner. I love making homemade pizza (thanks to my roommate in grad. school). J and I have always ate out on friday nights, but I think we might start a new (cheaper) tradition of having homemade pizza on friday nights. I love making new family traditions. My family growing up didn't really have any traditions (at least none that really stick out to me) so I really want to establish traditions for the kids. So i think homemade pizza night will be one of those traditions. Yum!

I bet you have never heard me say this before...

I really hate money. It seems like there is never enough to go around. In our house J earms the money and I keep track of it. It generally works out pretty well for us. Except when I get frustrated when the bills exceed our income! When J first started his job here he got paid once a month. This was a big adjustment for us because we were used to getting paid every week before. We had finally gotten our budget straightened out as far as dealing with the once a month paycheck when they switched things on us. Now he gets paid every other week which you would think would be more convient, but its not. Our bills are not evenly distributed throughout the month. One pay period we don't have enough money and then the next we have extra. Until recently... Now all of a sudden our budget isn't working at all. Last pay period we came up short so I was sure that we would have extra money after this set of bills was paid, but I was wrong. We had to cut some things short to make it work. So I decided to look ahead to see what next pay period looks like - that one is even worse than the others - to the tune of over $500 short! I so don't know what happened to our finances. I don't see how the gas increase could have killed us this much. Granted we have added another baby in the last several months but she isn't eating any extra food yet (gotta love nursing) but I guess that doubles the amount of diapers we need. And I guess we did just put new tires on J's car and get the front end aligned. And then there was that speeding ticket we just paid last month from when J when to pick up his sister.... ok so I guess I can see what has happened, but it is still frustrating. Not sure how this will all work out. We have been trying to eat cheaper meals, not eat out anymore (we used to eat out once a week),, etc.. Not sure what else to do. I have two kids under 2 years old so me going back to work wouldn't be very practical. My paycheck would be eaten up by daycare and besides that staying home with these two rugrats is a high priority for me. Any way I've rambled long enough. Just wanted to vent about me dislike of money. Oh well I know it will work out somehow in the end. God will take care of us, he always does.

How do you sit back and watch someone you love destroy themself?

I am so frustrated / saddened by my dad lately. Ever since my parents got a divorce 4 years ago he has not been the same. He was never a great dad, never was really involved in my life in any major way, never had a great relationship with my brother or I, but at least I always knew he was my dad and I could count on him to be there for me. Now things aren't like that. He has since gotten back into drugs, literally gambled away all his money and then some, has maxed out his credit cards, got fired from his job, is selling everything in the house that isn't nailed down, borrowed money from most of the relatives (who have now cut him off financially since the figured out he was using the money to buy drugs), etc. His phone is disconnected so I haven't talked to him in probably 3 months. I know he is still around because about a month ago I got really worried about him so I called his brother to see if he had heard from him at all. That started a whole chain of events and ended up with my uncle going up to visit my dad and have him put into drug and alcohol rehab. That whole thing back fired though when my dad hired a lawyer to get him out of rehab. I guess he is supposed to be going to out patient rehab now instead of being in patient(out patient is not nearly as effective). I know my dad and he is either not going to rehab or avoiding it somehow. He isn't one to get help even when he needs it. He has also been stopping by my moms work lately trying to get money from her and trying to sell random things from the house to her (things that were hers to begin with but because of the messy divorce he kept them).

To top it all off I got a phone call last week from someone (probably a creditor) looking for my dad saying that he gave them my phone number. What the heck!!! I live over 10 hours away from him and haven't talked to him in 3 months, why are they calling me.

This whole thing just is driving me crazy. I have so many mixed emotions about it all. Part of me is mad at my dad for getting himself into this all. Part of me feels bad for him and wants to help. My husband and I talked about letting him come live with us for awhile when he first lost his job (before I found out about him being on drugs) but that isn't obviously a good idea with us having 2 small kids. I've thought about sending him money so he has money to eat, but I'm sure that it would get spent on drugs so that is just fueling his addiction rather than helping him. I just don't know what to do. I sent him a little card today just saying I was thinking about him and praying for him and that I know about the rehab situation. I also put a picture of us with the kids. I guess I'm hoping to play on his emotions and help him realize that he still has something to live for that his kids still love him and he has two beautiful granddaughters. Maybe it will be enough for him to wake up and realize he still has something to live for. Other than that I just don't know what to do. I feel like I'm sitting by watching him slowly kill himself. He has nothing right now. He has sold everything worth any value, he has no income, has no family in the area, has no friends (he has driven them all away by his behavior on drugs). He is a mess. I am so at a loss. So I repeat my question that was the title of my blog today.... HOW DO YOU SIT BACK AND WATCH SOMEONE YOU LOVE DESTOY THEMSELF???? I have no answers. Please pray for my dad, thats all I know to do.