Moving in fast forward

Its funny how sometimes you can feel like life is moving in fast forward even though nothing is really changing outwardly. This is the way Jay and I feel right now. We have been praying about being in full time ministry for quite a while, and it has seemed like doors were opening. Nothing has really happened though. It just finally feels like its our season. Like God is going to be opening the doors for us to step into the next season of our life. I have been so proud of Jay lately. He has really come out of his shell lately. He has been working on being more social and having conversations with people, and has had three major situations where he has really put his skills to the test the last couple of days. He has also gotten better about processing through things with me rather than his normal canned responses of "we'll see". I feel like I'm finally able to tell him what has been lacking for me in our relationship (nothing bad, just really needing him to open up to me and really talk things through) and that has in turn really helped him in ministry too. I don't know... this probably doesn't make sense, but i just wanted to get it all down while it was in my mind. I just feel like God is getting ready to do something big with us. Either here or somewhere else. I feel like the signs are pointing to here, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up. Either way what God is calling us and equipping us to do is very much bigger than us, which is exciting because that means it has to be a God thing.
Also wanted to quickly post that I feel like God was really clarifying Jay's vision for me this morning. I can see how his vision will really easily transition him from youth pastor to student ministries / education director at a church. THis also clarifies the whole him being a principle dream he had. I can really see us starting a christian school at our church in the next five years. I'm excited to see what happens. Well this is just random... but I wanted to get my thoughts down.

We are at a crossroads - we can go our way or God's way

So I have been wrestling with two very related decisions lately and I'm not sure where I stand on them. One reason for the wrestling in these decisions is that Jay and I have very differing views on the issues. These two issues are homeschooling and family size. Jay wants me to homeschool the girls and he wants us to have several more kids. He jokes about it, but I know that deep down inside he really wants 7 kids. This has been an issue for us from the beginning and we acknowledged our differences before we got married, but I guess we each secretly hoped the other person would come around to our side. I have always said I wanted to have 3 or 4 kids. Right now we have three and I'm torn on having a forth. I like our family the way it is now.... Leah and Hannah are getting to be much more independent and Abby is a pretty easy going baby for the most part. Also it helps that I finally feel like I'm finding my groove as a mom. Some days I look at our family and definatly want another one. Other times I look around and enjoy that it seems to be getting easier. I know my whole attitude on this kills Jay. He really wants a big family, and 3 or 4 is not a big family to him. To me who only had a brother it is. I under stand both sides of the coin. I just don't know what the right answer is. This leads me to my second dilema. Jay really wants me to homeschool the kids. I have kind of gone along with it and done my research about it. I attend the homeschool moms group at our church. I even have gotten some books (Five in a row) so I can start working on preschool type activities with Leah. In theory I want to homeschool my kids. I like the idea that I have control over what they learn and the speed that they learn it at. I want to be able to protect my kids from all the bad out there in the world and keep them innocent. I went to public school and I loved it. Jay was homeschooled for part of his schooling and went to public school for the other part. He loved being homeschooled and had a really bad public schooling experience. I am so torn. I feel like I am guiltly of being a bad mom if I don't homeschool the girls, but at the same time my heart isn't in it. I can't motivate myself to start working with Leah and Hannah on it now. Its definately not my gifting. I also feel like that would be just one other area that I will have let Jay down in if I choose not to homeschool the girls. (family size being the other area). A big part of me wants to send Leah to school (she is a ton like me and I think she would really like it). But I think I would feel bad / sad sending my baby out into the big bad world so soon. I think some of the guilt I feel about not wanting to homeschool is by things I have read and heard from other homeschool people. In a way its a lot like christianity. THere is a lot of pressure to do things the right way or the "godly way". Like somehow you aren't as good of a parent if you don't homeschool your child. Or you must not care about them if you want to send them out to be tempted by the evil world we live in. Its funny cause I used to feel that is was the same way about being a stay at home mom... you must be a bad mom if you choose working over being with your kids full time. I wish there was an easy answer to this whole thing, but there isn't. I don't want to be a jerk and ask Jay to give up his dreams, but I also don't want to give up my dreams in the process. The more I think about it, the more I think this whole thing relates to what I felt like God was saying to me at church last night. We are at a cross roads we can go our way (each of us having our differing opinions and reaching the best possible compromise we can - but neither one of us being truly happy about it.) or we can go God's way. I have no clue what God's way is, but I'm sure that is the best way. I'm sure it includes both of us dying to self and to our desires and seeking God's will for our marriage and family. Not sure how God's plan for our family will look, but I have a feeling that when we discover that, we will both be a lot happier and fulfilled. I also think a lot of other things (ministry wise) will fall into place when we are both seeking God's will for this area of our lives instead of seeking our own desires. I have no clue how our opposing ideas can merge into a solution how we can both be happy and fulfilled, but if any one can work it out i'm sure God can.